NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT

It’s been an interesting start to a new year!

I am way behind on my Substack posts, but I hope you agree that I have a reasonable excuse.

In 2015, I was in Portland when I had chest pains and started to throw up. I thought it was severe indigestion. Pepto Bismol didn’t work. To be on the safe side, my partner took me to the local ER, after making sure there wasn’t a line (yes, really) where they gave me an EKG that indicated my heart was fine. However, a blood test showed traces of an enzyme, troponin, an indicator of a heart attack. Two days later, I had bypass surgery.

Our bodies are not unlike cars. I think of mine as a Lamborghini needing regular tuneups, but the reality is more like an aging Honda Civic held together with Duct tape. You take it to the mechanics for an oil change and they find you need new brake pads and that leads to the whole braking system needing replacement and while you’re at it, why not get a set of new spark plugs before it’s too late.

On January 4 this year, I had the same symptoms as I did in 2015. This time, I didn’t wait and drove straight to my local ER. I had to drive; the 911 service was down for several hours county-wide. Just my luck!

I went through the same procedures as before, an EKG and a blood test, and both came back negative. It wasn’t my heart. I spent the night in the hospital, and extensive tests the next day revealed gallstones. The solution - removal of my gallbladder. I was told this would be a straightforward laparoscopic surgery, and I would be out of the hospital in a couple of days. Wrong!

My gallbladder had become severely infected and the infection had spread to my pancreas. The pancreatitis kept me in the hospital on a heavy-duty antibiotic drip for the next week

Then my blood levels plummeted. I had three transfusions and an endoscopy, which discovered several ulcers in my esophagus and intestines, hemorrhaging blood. I spent another week in the hospital for my blood count to stabilize.

I’m home at last, back to normal, whatever that may be. Then I got a message from my gastroenterologist telling me a biopsy from my esophagus showed a fungal infection. I could imagine a nice crop of shitake growing in my chest.

The surgery scars have healed, I have an appetite again, and in a couple of weeks, I’ll be running on all cylinders, ready for my Lumaria Workshop in Rajasthan, India.

What did I learn from all this? First, that TV in America is as bad as I remember it! I cancelled my cable account some time ago, so this was the first time I have watched network TV in years. The quality was on par with the hospital food.

Looks better than it tastes. Salmon is dry, vegetables cooked to destruction. No wonder I lost 10 pounds!

My biggest take away was how fast life can change. One minute I felt fine and within a day I was on my back in a hospital bed for 2 weeks, at one stage, not even sure if I would ever make it back home. Don’t take anything for granted and live life to the full while you can.

Now, India looms with a photo workshop to my favorite villages in Rajasthan. Next, in May, we are planning an exciting workshop to the Balkans. I was there several years ago on assignment for Islands magazine and now is the time to return before it is overrun by tourists. We still have a few spaces available at Lumaria Workshops. We would love you to join us.

WHAT I’VE BEEN READING

Being stuck in a hospital bed was the ideal opportunity to catch up on some books I wanted to read, particualrly The Art Thief by Michael Finkel. This is a remarkable true-crime tale about one of the most prolific art thieves of all time. He pulled off more than 200 heists, often in crowded museums in broad daylight. Even if you have no interest in art, it’s difficult not to be captivated by this 21st Century crime spree. The book earned rave reviews from prestigious literary publictions and it certainly lived up to the hype.

WHAT I’VE BEEN WATCHING

Apart from way too much garbage television from a hospital bed, I was able to make a rare visit to an actual cinema just before I fell ill, to see my old friend, travel writer Pico Iyer, in Marty Supreme. The only reason I went was to see Pico, why else would I spend 2 hours watching a film about ping pong? Pico is one of the kindest, most gentle people I know and his role in the movie as the mean spirited head of the International Table Tennis Federation was as far from the real Pico as possible. The movie was wonderful. I went with my daughter and her boyfriend and we all agreeed. I highly recommend it, even without Pico.

Last week, just after I got home, I watched another Oscar contender but this time on my TV. I love the two lead actors, Jesse Plemons and Emma Stone. Both were great in their roles but Begonia is one bizaar movie. Basically it is about a conspiracy theorist who kidnaps the CEO of a pharmaceutical company thinking she is an alien. It’s a satire of modern life, beautifully filmed, entertaining and definitely thought provoking.

PET PEEVES

A near death experience puts things into perspective, a peeve yesterday suddenly becomes inconsiquential today. Don’t worry. I’ll get over it.

EMBARASSING MOMENTS

I’ve given a lot of public lectures, but one stands out. I was booked to give a talk on my Himalayan adventures at a convent school in England. Before the talk, the Mother Superior and her senior staff invited me to an elaborate dinner in their private quarters. I’m usually too nervous to eat before giving a public presentation, but I felt obliged to finish this extremely rich meal.

The school’s large auditorium was filled to capacity with students and parents. I was wired up with a wireless microphone for the talk, and I added music to a few slide show segments, necessitating a PA system.

After half an hour, my nerves and the rich food began to take effect, and the pressure on my stomach increased. It was increasingly difficult to contain the gas bubbling up. I sped through my talk to get to the musical interlude as quickly as possible.

The minute the music started, I rushed to the restroom and released the considerable volume of gas that was building up inside me. To paraphrase Ralph Waldo Emerson, it was “The fart heard around the world.” They were frequent and ear-shattering, echoing through the ancient corridors of the historic school. I was relieved on many levels. The auditorium was some distance from the restrooms, and I had made sure to turn up the volume of the music before I rushed off the stage.

When I re-entered the auditorium, the mood had changed, and the kids, and not a few parents, were exchanging amused glances. I realized my wireless microphone had been live the whole time. Not only was the music loud, but so was every other sound coming through the PA system.

You can read about more of my travels and adventures in PASSAGES, a memoir available at Lumaria Editions.

Also, I give regular photo tips on my Instagram page at bobholmesphoto. Hope to see you there.

And that’s it for this week! Feel free to like this post, leave a comment, or share it with a friend. See you back here soon!